我会。
有时候或是在当下，或是安静时候回想起来。
可能是某个表情，或是某一句话，或者一个微信聊天记录。
了解我的人会妥帖的避免这些，劝我说太敏感。
自己，在条件允许情况下，也会慢慢保护自己的情绪，逃避一些可以规避的social。
但是，有时候也会想，是不是自己小气了。
我相信人性的美好。
虽然从小因为父母做生意，经历过很多狗血的人情故事。虽然在这个人多的行当，难免有是非。
但我相信人性的美好。
所以一定是我小气了。
我会努力劝自己格局要大些，没什么的，后来都会是故事的，不过是多了一个谈资。
大方，可能是原生家庭留下给我到目前为止回想起来比较印象深刻的一个处世方式。虽然有时候觉得ta们自己不见的做到了。
但回家时候，总会有谁谁谁脾气不好，小气，现在生重病了的饭桌故事。
导致现在每次自己小气的时候，都会脑回路般的告诉自己，要大方，不然会生重病的。
下面文章也有类似观点。
大方点，不是为了对方，为了自己。
原标题：Let Go of Your Grudges. They’re Doing You No Good.
原作者：Tim Herrera
原刊于：New York Times
转载未获授权，如有授权请联系删除。
One of my favorite party games is to ask a group of people this simple question: What is your oldest or most cherished grudge?
Without fail, every person unloads with shockingly specific, intimate detail about their grudge. Career slights (intentional or not), offhand-yet-cutting remarks, bitter friendship dissolutions; nothing is too small or petty when it comes to grudges.
One of my favorite answers I’ve gotten to this question came from a friend whose grudge stretched back to second grade. A classmate — he still remembered her full name and could describe her in detail — was unkind about a new pair of Coke-bottle glasses he had started wearing. Her insult wasn’t particularly vicious, but he’d been quietly seething ever since. Childhood!
Even this very publication has taken a pro-grudge stance, calling them “petty Tamagotchis in our emotional pocket.” The HBO show “Big Little Lies” perhaps put it best, when Reese Witherspoon’s character, Madeline Mackenzie, matter-of-factly noted: “I love my grudges. I tend to them like little pets.”
But what does holding onto grudges really get us, aside from amusing anecdotes at parties (and pitch-perfect quips delivered by Ms. Witherspoon)? And what could we gain from giving them up?
I posed this question on Twitter last week, asking if people had ever given up on a grudge and, if so, how that made them feel. The responses were delightfully all over the place.
“Yeah pretty much most of them since entering my 30s,” one respondent said. “It feels cleansing to free up the brain space.”
“Literally not once,” another said.
“I felt neutral!!” one more wrote. “Like I just couldn’t be bothered anymore but also I didn’t feel relieved or anything. Just indifferent.”
The replies kept coming in: “Great. Really free.” “Only after getting my revenge.” “It was, of course, a relief, but also a kind of let down. It’s exciting and fulfilling to hold a grudge.” “Forgiveness is the most rewarding lesson you never stop learning from.” “Bored.” “Liberated. Most of the time if they’ve got my hatred they kind of own me.” A few people replied simply: “No.” (As for me, I gave all of my grudges back to the universe last year, and it felt amazing.)
But my favorite response was the most introspective one I got: “I felt very, very mature. I admitted that my feelings were valid for my situation at the time, but allowed myself to reshape my thinking/attitude based on my personal growth experiences since then. Physically, I felt lighter, but that sounds cliché haha.”
Yes, it does sound cliché, but it’s also a feeling that is backed by the science and research of forgiveness. Really.
A 2006 study, published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology as part of the Stanford Forgiveness Project, suggested that “skills-based forgiveness training may prove effective in reducing anger as a coping style, reducing perceived stress and physical health symptoms, and thereby may help reduce” the stress we put on our immune and cardiovascular systems. Further, a study published this year found that carrying anger into old age is associated with higher levels of inflammation and chronic illness.Another study from this year found that anger reduces our ability to see things from other people’s perspective.
“Holding onto a grudge really is an ineffective strategy for dealing with a life situation that you haven’t been able to master. That’s the reality of it,” said Dr. Frederic Luskin, founder of the Stanford Forgiveness Project.
“Whenever you can’t grieve and assimilate what has happened, you hold it in a certain way,” he said. “If it’s bitterness, you hold it with anger. If it’s hopeless, you hold it with despair. But both of those are psycho-physiological responses to an inability to cope, and they both do mental and physical damage.”
He went on: “The hopelessness shuts down and dampens immune response, leads to some aspects of depression. Anger can have immune implications, it dysregulates the nervous system, it certainly is the most harmful emotion for the cardiovascular system. But you have this top point where something happened that I can’t really deal with, and often we do deal with it somehow, but unskillfully.”
A poor attempt to deal, Dr. Luskin said, “mirrors the fight-or-flight mechanism built in for how to cope with stress.”
At the same time, he said, the converse is true: Full forgiveness can more or less reverse these negative repercussions of holding onto anger and grudges.
O.K., so getting over grudges is good. But how do we do it?
In broad strokes, full forgiveness has four actions, according to Dr. Luskin. But before that, we need to recognize three things: 1. Forgiveness is for you, not the offender. 2. It’s best to do it now. 3. It’s about freeing yourself — forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to like what they did or become their friend.
From there, the first tactic is to calm yourself down in the moment. This can mean just taking a deep breath to collect yourself or going on a jog, but the idea is you want to slow down and collect yourself to create a little distance between what happened and how you’re going to react to it. “You have to counter-condition the stress response when it happens,” Dr. Luskin said.
Next, shift how you think and talk about the source of your grudge. “Change your story from that of a victim to a more heroic story,” Dr. Luskin said.
The final two pieces go hand-in-hand. Pay attention to the good things in your life “so you have an easy way to balance the harm,” Dr. Luskin said, then remind yourself of one simple truth: Life doesn’t always turn out the way we want it to. Combining those two ideas can “shift the ground, and it lowers very dramatically” your general level of stress.
Perhaps most crucially, Dr. Luskin stressed, forgiveness is a learnable skill. It just takes a little practice.
“That’s such an important thing. You’re not stuck in your life,” he said. “What a wonderful thing to know that there are simple strategies, trainings, technologies that can teach people to do something about what’s been burdening them forever.”
But yes, I’ll admit grudges can be fun to hold — and they make for great stories when someone asks about them at parties. If you’re wondering whether your most cherished grudge is worth holding onto, take this quiz from The Times to find out, and then tell me about your grudge on Twitter at @timherrera.
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Let it go.
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